Men! Ugh. *Pause.*

Samples of the new men I have met since I got to Bombay six months ago.

The Bachelor

Probably only the second guy ever to officially ask me out on a date. Met him at an admissions fair. His spoken English was like our written English. Seriously, with commas, semicolons and everything. I was duly turned on. There must have been at least a dozen fluffy-haired PYTs there, but structured English speaker guy came up to me, and chatted me up. I was kicked.

He called me over the next few days and proceeded to get to know me (Or rather, to get me to know him.) He seemed interesting over the phone, but I wasn’t comfortable meeting him one on one yet, so I stalled until I could set up a get-together. But he still called. And called again. He literally called every Thursday, to check my plans for the coming Friday/Saturday. I’d stall, say that I was preoccupied (which I really was!), and like clockwork, the next Thursday evening – another call about the weekend. Now I’m no president, but I just do not have the time to entertain the same damn call every week, wth!

When we finally met up at the carefully orchestrated group scene (you know, in case he turned out to be a psycho, or an idiot), a few oddities dawned upon me. He drinks only red wine (health-conscious or something). He had hit the big three oh and seemed strangely cool about it. I recalled every phone call of his being laced with at least two data points about himself – a quality or a qualification or an interest. And why did he approach me that day at the fair, I wondered? I definitely looked older than the other girls there. I was fairly soberly dressed too, just, like, just chic enough. Why would any given guy approach a serious-looking older gal over skinny lil PYT’s available in abundance? You know, I distinctly remember him asking me for advice on a career move. Really? Career advice from somebody five years behind you in her career path? Why?

Was this guy on the lookout for a bride? Was he randomly befriending women of his age and dishing hobbies and promotions in the hopes of finding a match? Was he in such a hurry that he had to periodically hound them until they met and talked life’s ambitions?

At the get-together, I got buzzed (as anyone my age should) and (unintentionally) flirted with the boyish-looking DJ and (unintentionally) ignored the poor bachelor. He never called me again. I guess he sensed I wasn’t ready for commitment.

The Disregarder

I don’t even want to write the whole story. The guy takes out all his frustration on me even though we just met, sits and rolls a joint (and takes forever to do so) in an open air cafe even though the rest of us were clearly not interested, peacefully smokes it and proceeds to peacefully consume a cake while the rest of us just wait politely to get out and hit the bar we planned to an hour ago, has utter disregard for my time (keeps telling me to ‘chill out’ even though I kept repeating how much I had to do, seriously, I never thought of chilling out man…). Why, you ask, did I put up with his crap? Because I am a nice person, and I thought he didn’t know any better. Chalo, that was over and done with. But the other day, he calls me (this includes several ‘Guess who’ tirades while I was at work) and makes small talk and suggests we catch up sometime. Why? Why would anyone treat me like a tissue and then suggest we catch up sometime? I don’t get it.

The SMS Bombarder

SB: “Hey xyz here, What’s up”

Me: No reply

SB: “Hey! Good morning!! What’s up ”

Me: “Hey, nothing much, (work something something…. ) ”

SB: “Hahaha nice!! So where you working and what u working on?? ”

I proceed to tell him about what I do and the very busy day I am having.

SB: “Hahaha.. That’s good then.. I’m up to no good!! Getting bored!! (proceeds to state reasons for boredom) So ya that’s all ”

Me: No reply

SB: “So how busy are you?? ”

Me: “Evidently, very :). My sympathies for the (boredom situation). ”

SB: “How come so busy? No time for new found friends? ”

Me: No reply

SB: “So what plans now? ”

Me: No reply

SB: “U getting my msgs? ”

Me: “Yup! ”

SB: “And ur just busy or ignoring me? ”

Me: “Refer to my earlier msgs? ”

SB: “Very busy?? Alright.. Why’s everyone busy? ”

Me: No reply

SB: “So boring! ”

Me: No reply

SB: “Ok I think I’ll stop irritating u otherwise u’ll get bored of me”

Me: “That would be wise.”

SB: “Alright then”

 

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Now come on, I’m on no manhunt, but wouldya throw me a bone here!